The Back-and-Forth of Awakening: Learning to Live Between Ego and Presence

The Tug-of-War Between Two Selves

As I continue on this journey of becoming more conscious—more awake—I’ve started to notice a rhythm. Some days, I feel deeply aligned and present, fully connected to what I can only describe as divine energy. On those days, I am flowing. My thoughts are clear, my body feels light, and I experience a sense of oneness with life itself.

And then there are days like today. Days that feel heavy. Confined. Off.

This morning, I woke up with a weight in my chest—a tightness that felt like sadness, defeat, and discouragement all rolled into one. Even my voice sounded different as I spoke out loud, slower and less confident. These days can feel disorienting because they don’t match the clarity I know is possible.

But as I’ve sat with this feeling, I’ve come to understand something: this is my ego, fighting for survival.

When the Ego Fights Back

If you’re on any kind of spiritual journey, you’ve probably experienced it—that pushback when you start to wake up. It’s as if the ego, the part of us that clings to old identities and stories, refuses to go quietly.

It feels like a heavyweight match. Yesterday, my higher self—my present, aware, aligned self—was in control. It was as if divine energy was flowing through me, guiding my every move. Today, my ego came swinging back, desperate to reassert itself.

And that’s what makes this journey of awakening so complex: the ego doesn’t feel like a separate thing. It feels like me. It feels like my identity, my safety, my story. So when I say I want to let go of my ego—or at least loosen my grip on it—there’s grief in that. There’s resistance. It’s like grieving a self I thought I was.

The Paradox of Awakening: Embracing What We Want to Escape

Here’s the truth I keep coming back to: this isn’t really a fight. Not in the truest sense.

Yes, it can feel like a battle—a back-and-forth between light and shadow, between the higher self and the ego. But the deeper truth of conscious awakening isn’t about defeating the ego. It’s about embracing it.

That’s the paradox of this path: to transcend the ego, I must first learn to love it. To hold it with compassion. To see it for what it is—a part of me that simply wants to keep me safe.

Finding Gratitude in the Discomfort

This process is hard. Some days it feels like too much. But even in the heaviest moments, I keep coming back to gratitude.

Gratitude for the awareness. Gratitude for the growth. Gratitude for the discomfort—because I’ve learned that the harder the moment, the deeper the transformation.

This back-and-forth between ego and presence is temporary. It’s part of the process of becoming fully conscious. And even when it feels messy or overwhelming, I trust that something sacred is unfolding.

Closing Thoughts: Why This Matters for Your Spiritual Journey

Whether you’re new to the idea of spiritual awakening or deep in your own journey, this truth remains: growth isn’t linear. Consciousness isn’t a straight path to enlightenment. It’s a dance—a back-and-forth between the old self and the true self.

So if you’re feeling the push and pull, the light and the heavy, know this: you’re not failing. You’re transforming.

And maybe, just maybe, this is what awakening really looks like.